September 2021

This is the sixth in a series of articles. For a PDF file of the first six articles, click here.

In Part 5 of this series I mentioned the spiritual tool kit that is given by the Eternal to a disciple when he or she becomes a monk. For me, the master-disciple relationship is the most important of these tools. For the disciple, the master represents the Eternal. This relationship offers us the greatest opportunity to learn to bow, even in the most difficult of circumstances. The following is an example of this in my own training.

I have often marveled at how it seems that a perfect set of circumstances arises to bring about the opportunity for someone to learn something about their koan—their particular spiritual “problem” or karmic “knot.” In hindsight, it can seem as though you were conveniently "set up" for what happens later. I believe it is simply an example of how the Eternal knows our deepest wish and uses everything to help us.

When I first arrived to become a permanent resident of the temple, while still in the parking lot, someone told me that “within a year, you will be in your own temple somewhere.” I took this with a grain of salt, thinking, “this seems unlikely, wait and see.”

Fast forward a couple of years. There are a couple of monks in the community who are in transition, looking for where their future lay. Reverend Master Koshin has been doing a series of Dharma talks clearly aimed at encouraging them to move forward. Of course, I am present at these talks and taking it all in. It comes up for me that perhaps it is time for me to step out on my own. I had the feeling that there was a window open at this time and that if I did not go now, then I would never go.

One day I bring this idea up with Reverend Master. He tells me that I am not ready for that step. This simple statement pierces me like an arrow, and instantly I am in the most intense spiritual pain I have ever known.

Buddhism teaches us that “feeling” is the reaper of karma. I have learned from experience that the more intense my reaction to something is, the more likely it is that I am dealing with a lump of karma and must go carefully with it. In this case, there was no doubt about it.

From the beginning of this episode I resolved to keep my focus on the Eternal; to look for relief from that Source only. Sitting still in the midst of the pain, letting it come and letting it go, asking for help, offering it up, and being willing to follow wherever It led. Of course, just like meditation, we drift out of it and must bring ourselves back to it over and over again. Having been through this process before, I knew that it would not last forever. Even so I was amazed by the intensity and duration of the feeling.

The natural response to pain is to try to relieve it in some way. When karma is involved, it comes with its own brand of delusion. The mind will jump through all kinds of hoops trying to wiggle out of facing the Truth. This often involves trying to shift responsibility to some external source. In some form or another this means having an argument in your head about right or wrong. Spiritually speaking, this a complete dead end and yet the influence of the karma pulls us in this direction. I developed a sort of mantra to help me deal with this tendency. Whenever I would catch myself beginning an argument in my head, I would repeat to myself, “I would rather bow than be ‘right’.” This would help me re-orient on the important matter.

At first, it was all I could do to get through the hours of the day and carry on normal life. Gradually, over time, the pain began to ease and change. The pain became interspersed with moments of consolation. There is a progression of feelings one goes through as conversion happens. A softening takes place, with a growing awareness of the Eternal's compassion in the process, and a growing appreciation that it is a privilege to be a part of that process. What began as something so hard to bear became a warm embrace beyond my ability to imagine.

What a pity it is that we sometimes feel overwhelmed by pain and turn away, thereby missing an opportunity to experience this embrace.

One day I had a sense that this episode was coming to an end. It was as if this karma, that had arrived with so much fury, had burned until only a point of light remained, and then it simply winked out.

Throughout this process of conversion it is important that we look honestly at ourselves to see where this karma has influenced us, to ask in meditation “What do I need to see and learn from this?” While I cannot say that I understand very much about this episode, I was left with a distinct impression of what I needed to see. I felt a deep resolve to take no step without the Eternal.

As Reverend Master Jiyu wrote in her Commentary on the Precepts, ¹ “Do not do anything unless it is ‘good;’ do not do anything unless you have first asked the Lord of the House if it is good for you to do it.” The complete section on the Precept, “Do only good,” is a wonderful and full expression of the lesson for me.

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