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This is the fourth in a series of articles. For a PDF file of the first four articles, click here.
On my first visit to the Portland Buddhist Priory I was simply taught to meditate and nothing more. This appealed to me greatly. Here was a means of gaining insight that did not rely on the intellect or worldly knowledge. I went home and began meditating regularly. Although I did not realize it at the time, I was, in fact, taking refuge in the Buddha. After a couple of months, I returned to the Priory where I encountered the Dharma and the Sangha
For me, this was one of those situations where all conditions ripen. I was truly ready for this and embraced Buddhism whole-heartedly. Everything I read about the Buddha's teaching rang the bell of Truth in me. I felt that I had come home. I had found the path I had been searching for my whole life. At the same time I was discovering Buddhism, I was also developing a romantic relationship with someone. This loving relationship was part of a general healing period for me.
After I had been meditating for about six months there was another pivotal turning point in my spiritual life. I was with my friend when the realization welled up in me: “I need to forgive my parents,” which was quickly followed by “I need to forgive myself.” Although this is the way it came up for me, I was not aware of any particular problem between my parents and myself. Rather, I feel that what was happening was a general letting go of the grief, blame, and self-judgement of the past. For a short while after this, there was a shimmering glow to the world.
Soon after this I realized that I could no longer continue with the romantic aspect of my new relationship. Something had changed in me that I did not yet fully understand. Fortunately, my friend was understanding and we remained good friends for many years.
Some months later I made my first trip to Shasta Abbey to attend an Introductory Retreat. From that first visit to the Abbey I knew that I wanted to be a monk and that nothing else would do. However, I had a six-year-old son and so would need to wait. I realized that there was nothing stopping me from training in accordance with the deepest wish of my heart. Twelve years later, when my son joined the Air Force upon graduating from high school, I entered the monastery.